Don't park outside a bar; park about a block away, so later, if an officer sees you tumbling into your car, they won't know whether it's old age or what.

If you've got dogs, never move into a flat with rugs! Well, next time, anyway.

A sweater is a poor man's thermostat. Politicians just move the hot air around.

Grand Old Delusion bless America!

Pee under a poncho! Forget the red umbrella; take a poncho! It's almost impossible to pee under a red umbrella.

If someone's ticklish, they trust you, or like you.

Women are complex & subtle, men simple & direct. –Miss Violet

Men keep everything in separate boxes; women have all their boxes wired together. –Lori Garrison, Canton, Georgia

Drink way too much water. It floats your cold away.

Lighten your load! When you travel, take clothes you want to get rid of! Wear 'em out & rip 'em off! You'll buy a few new things, anyway.

If you don't like doing a chore, say, doing the laundry, step back (inside yourself,) and do it from your spinal column. Set out to do the task deliberately and at half speed, as if you're a professional. Change it up. Consciously vary your pace. Promise yourself a reward, halfway through, such as going shopping for two new shirts (downtown, on the following day!) In this way, you will be rewarding yourself as (1.) an adult (postponing gratification), (2.) a child (giving yourself a present!), and (3.) a person (adding to your awareness of yourself as a capable & kind human being).

Cover a major secret you want to keep for yourself with a minor secret you can casually mention. Protect an expensive toy you want to keep for yourself with a similar but inexpensive toy you can casually lend.

Protect your shirt! Wear a "spaghetti sweater."

Like two Easter Bunnies, time hops an hour ahead the 2nd Sunday of March, at 2 am, illuminating USA's Daylight Savings Time; the shadow of a ghost makes time stand still, for exactly one hour, the first Sunday after Halloween, at 2 am.

Then Easter arrives the 1st Sunday following the 1st ecclesiastical full moon on or after the vernal equinox (Set at March 21st), and can never occur before March 22 or later than April 25. (The ecclesiastical full moon is set at the 14th day of a tabular lunation (new moon)). That's why they needed the elders. How primitive is that?

The tube of abdominal muscles surrounding your ribcage supports your entire back. Your back does not support itself at all. If you've got lower back pain, gently do ten sit-ups off the edge of your bed once a day for a week, to strengthen the front of the castle you call home.

Street smarts in a tough neighborhood: Cut your new license plate sticker to ribbons, after you put it on your car, so no one can steal it whole. -David Juda

You always learn something when something bad happens. -David Juda

When you're dying, if you give things away, you feel real good. –David Daniels

Get through life one mistake at a time. -Mike Kelleher

Before a smog test, drive your car around – maybe thirty minutes on the freeway – to get the engine good and hot.

The common cold virus lives and breeds in a narrow temperature band, which is why they don't jump from dogs, whose normal body temperature is 100 to 103° F (most often 101.5° F), to people, whose normal body temperature is 97.6 to 98.8° F (most often 98.2° F), and vice versa. With this in mind, Nature has a clever way of destroying viruses, by temporarily elevating your temperature to that of a dog, which feels like a fever to you, though the kiss of death to a virus! You can artificially raise your temperature, when you have a cold, by taking long hot showers, and drinking plenty of water to help "steam up" the virus. Afterwards, curl up under hot blankets and hibernate! When your throat tickles, get up, urinate, and drink more water.

When you're beyond 22, 44, 66, and 88 years old, @ 2 children per couple, a grand total of ( 16 great great grandchildren plus their 16 parents, their 8 parents in your family, their 4 parents in your family, and your spouse = ) 45 people who will call you GRRREEAT! It took half an hour to figure that out. Many great things take half an hour.

Dogs observe where you're looking.

Your popularity goes up about 30% simply by thinking about baseball.

Underneath conscious thoughts & feelings, a deeper mind integrates & digests large amounts of information & offers simple solutions. Listen for it. Sleep on it.

Hotel maids live on pirate ships and use five dollar tips you leave them on your pillow, along with a note written in Italian – "Grazie!" – for no good!

Deposit sketchy checks in a savings account first, to keep from getting burned.

Don't make a such fuss about soiled sheets! Let bed wetters sleep in hammocks on a beach. –Mark Zielinski

Would you ever steal a filthy car? Crooks don't like greasy window sills or dirty cars.

Special instructions for ground delivery people allow them to leave a package behind without you having to stay home. Write something like this on a 4x6-inch index card, and tape it to your front door: "Ground delivery: Please leave package for Richard Hart in lawnmower shed underneath the stairs <=====to the left====== Here is my signature: Richard Hart."

Before you wander all over the city on some mission, try the Yellow Pages.

Shrink-wrapped books or magazines don't let you discover manufacturing defects or remind you you already bought a copy. A book or magazine is supposed to provide nourishment of some kind, which ain't on its cover.

Would you rather play with a dog, or send it an Email? Would you rather feed it a piece of bacon, or write it a motivational memo saying, "Be a dog!" When you communicate, your smell & physical warmth provide far greater bandwidth than a conversation, telephone call, or Email. Why send someone an Email when you can stand beside them?

The more you act dumb, the more your intelligence shines. If someone acts a little too friendly, they're probably going to rob you.

Bill collectors get paid a lot of money to really hurt people. They've got health insurance and everything. What was their basis for lending you money? Why don't they put it in writing?

Someone who hacks your answering machine, turns it on & leaves a message is like a schoolyard bully demanding your lunch. If you say, "No, you can't have it," they'll leave you alone. Unplug your answering machine.

The Zen technique for finding a parking place: Stop at the top of a block and wait for someone to leave, which usually takes less than five minutes. Listen to music & watch for the parking detail in your rearview mirror.

In the city, don't look for an empty parking place. Look for someone walking by pulling their keys out. -Mike Kelleher

Aggressive parallel parking, in three steps: First, pull close behind someone who's leaving. Second, scoop into the spot & wait there until everyone goes around. Third, when they all leave, pull forward, and back in.

The parking detail ... Always put nickel slugs into meters, because it fills up their pockets quicker, and double your estimated time. For instance, if you need ten minutes, pay for twenty. It's self-insurance.

(1.) Putting your parking garage ticket in your breast pocket, because you're sitting at the wheel of a car, and later, taking off your shirt because it's hot, and draping it over your arm may be The Natural Thing To Do . . . until the ticket falls out, and you have to replace it by paying for twenty-four hours of parking. (2.) Parking where there's no parking meter, totally missing the "Parking: One Hour" regulation hidden halfway down the block behind shrubbery, may be The Natural Thing To Do . . . until you return and find a thirty-five dollar ticket on your windshield. (3.) Drinking two cups of coffee, then going for a ride on a Ferris Wheel may be The Natural Thing To Do . . . until you get stuck at the top!

(4.) Running a red light, driving a little too fast, and dashing across the street without really looking may be The Natural Thing To Do when you're running a few minutes late – to your third grade class. Too bad your teacher never told you, "That's okay – Don't do it again . . . My mind, my chauffeur! . . . Don't ever let anyone tell you you're bad!"

"You're late!" —Better than playing with yourself in public.

Here's your chance! You can say these things now, because you're an adult.

Long engagements suck.

Moments before taking a pill, take a small sip of water to open your throat.

If you're choking, signal to other people by grasping your throat and acting crazy. If you're alone, collapse your diaphragm (just above the belly button) on the back of a chair, or on the edge of the sink countertop, or sturdy table, or on the edge of the bathtub, to blow the obstacle in your windpipes across the room ... Thrust yourself down, or fall down on your upper abdomen, until you dislodge the obstacle ... Practice it right now on a pillow on the back of a chair, to get the idea ... That way, if you're ever choking, you won't panic, because you've rehearsed ... Here's a good first-aid website.

Think of double-ups! Take a train ride to a remote city for breakfast! Stomp on dirty clothes while you're in the shower. Trim your fingernails while waiting in a long line. Pay your bills while you're at work. Shop for groceries while you're carpooling. Get your car serviced while you're away on a trip.

The wealthiest people don't own anything – Rent a mansion, rent skis & boots, rent a yacht, rent a Harley Davidson! If you do Rent a Harley from Eagle Rider, FedEx your suitcases ahead!

If you can't shift from Park to Drive in a rental truck or van, hold down the brake pedal. If you forget, a nearby police officer can sometimes solve this dilemma. –David Juda

Clockwise one to five, right — tight! Counterclockwise eleven to seven, left — loose!

To change a flat tire in style, use plastic grocery bags as gloves, cover the spare with a tucked-in newspaper, and sit on it.

After you've (1.) parked on a level surface, (2.) put the car in Park, or in gear, (3.) set the emergency brake, (4.) removed every lug of a flat tire, and (5.) jacked up the car, the tire can still be frozen to the wheel by rust. Replace a few lugs, loosely, to hold the tire on, lower the car, remove the jack, then carefully drive the car a few feet to break the tire loose. Some people just kick the tire.

If you have to change a tire in the rain, take off as many clothes as you can, so you'll have something dry to get back into.

Stop eating when you're 80% full, because your stomach takes 5 or 10 minutes to tell you, that's when you're really full.

Wear glasses for safety in a shop, because wood chips can get in your eyes.

Wear gloves for protection, because thorns & splinters can cut your fingers.

Wear shoes as armor, because bottles & boxes can drop on your feet.

Dress nicely when you travel, or at the office, even on "casual workdays," to distinguish yourself from the crowd, so as not to limit opportunities & remedies, or in case there's an emergency meeting with a client.

Don't jump start a stranger's car; too many things can go wrong. They may not have too much compassion for you! If they're poor, let them use their cell phone to call a friend; if they're rich, let them call a tow service. Tell them, "It's against company policy to jump start cars," and notice if they want to get you fired!

If you're jump starting a friend's car, think of the little "+" sign as the cross of the Red Cross: connect the cables in a circle. (1.) First, apply the "+" to the dead battery, because it "needs the most help, and fast!" (2.) Then apply the other end of the "+" cable to the live battery. (3.) Now that you're working with the living, apply the second cable to the "–" on the live battery and (4.) finally apply the other end of the "–" cable to the dead chassis, or to the "–" terminal on the dead battery. Rev up the engine on the live car, then try to start up the dead car, and stop right away if it doesn't start. Disconnect the cables in reverse order.

For a five dollar tip, you can check your bags at a topnotch hotel even if you're not going to stay there. Things change & why lug all that stuff around?

Certain bookstores will let you – even want to! – check your bags for free.

A worker in a tree can tell you what kind it is.

Do what you do; not what you ought to do; doing nothing is even better. Be what you are; not what you ought to be; being nothing is even closer. Do • Be • Do • Be & Beyond!

Your feelings are experts at time travel, taking you into the past. In severe cases, drawing you into a repetition compulsion, trying to solve problems way in your past. There's a new possibility, rooted in the moment. Why can't you teach your feelings how to travel into the future? To a time you're doing all right? To a time you can begin preparing for now. Pretty much for yourself. You can begin by telling them not to feel so bad, because they've never heard you telling them that. You say, Don't feel bad. They say, I am ashamed. You say, Don't feel bad.

Peace pipe on back of new nickel good; makes me want to light up. Axe good, too; "Here's Johnny!"

Keep cigarettes in the freezer, in Room 237.

In Hawaii, you may be disappointed it's raining, but you can still go swimming! You may think it's cloudy, but you can still get really sunburned!

Less popular airlines have quicker security lines. Buy a ticket from one, and go through the line of the other. It's called swerving.

Women travelers: Wear flip-flops or sandals through airport security ... and because it takes a while to fish through a large handbag, wear something with a pocket for identification and small-denomination bills for flight attendants, bus drivers & taxi drivers.

Earthquakes usually last less than a minute, overturn bookcases, knock pictures off walls, break windows, sever gas & water pipes, bring down electric wires, cause fires, and shut down gas stations & ATM machines. You need a flashlight, tennis shoes to avoid broken glass, bottled water for the dogs, a full tank of gas, and cash. Don't sleep under a bookcase ... and don't light candles!

Tsunamis travel very fast across the open sea, maybe five hundred miles an hour, with hardly a ripple. However, as the land rises, dramatically slowing down the waveform, and the beach gets shallower, all that energy has to go somewhere! It goes straight up, sometimes sixty feet into the air, sucking up water from both sides. A tsunami could happen in the middle of the night. If you feel an earthquake, or hear an ocean's roar, get inside a boat, car, or bathtub. If it's daytime, go up a tree, or somewhere sturdy and high, like Swiss Family Robinson. After the wave goes by, it's not the water that gets you. It's the debris. The same is true of tornados. You generally won't get any warning, because the people who know it's coming don't know the telephone number of the BBC.

Watch out for open manholes in a flood!

Tornadoes, preceded by rain or hail, with the deep roar of a 320-mph vortex of rising hot air, usually travel 25 to 40 mph, first from the southwest, then from the west, March - August, 3 to 7 PM. They can skip from one place to another at 70 mph. Automobile-sized missiles can fly through the air 100 yards or more. Use your arms to protect your face and neck! See Chase Safety by Charles A. Doswell III.

Lightning goes for the tallest object around, like a tall tree. Staying in your car or getting low in the middle of a dry field is a good idea, but don't spread out prone; kneel, squat, or sit. If lightning strikes close enough, you feel induced electricity in your body, which isn't pleasant. You're lucky to be alive.

Turn on lights going through a tunnel in case there's a power failure.

Consciously look for the color yellow, driving from bright sunshine into a tunnel, to help your eyes adjust to the dark.

Apartment fires consume all the oxygen, replacing it with poisonous fumes from burning wallpaper, curtains & furniture. It's not the heat that kills you as you race around trying to plug door cracks with wet towels. Suddenly there's nothing to breathe.

Worry travels at the speed of light. –David Daniels

The oldest & wisest part of you is sexual energy. Rechanneled a certain way by a subtle influence on negative emotions, along with revisiting certain childhood experiences, using reason & sensation to find something buried in your childhood that speaks in symbols, by making a mistake, reaching back in the dark to find your pillow, sublimated & transmuted sexual energy illuminates neuronal transformation leading to mystical enlightenment.

If you can't sleep, it's just that you're dreaming you're awake & the reason I can say that now, is that I'm dreaming I'm not stupid. –Donna Morales

The cure for election malaise is renewed political activism. Be in solidarity with the poor, & you can't stop love!

What you need most in an emergency is pen & paper. Store images of irreplaceable documents, photos, and your last will & instructions on a website. Keep valuable goodies in a steamer trunk you can drag outside in a fire, along with leashes for the dogs. Using a poncho as a cover, you can piss in a bottle.

Which is it? An upside down rainbow flag means "gay America in distress!"

Don't touch your waitress! –Sarah B. Gibson
I don't think tapping should be allowed. Tapping should be reserved for Morse code and dance. –Jennifer Burke

Cats like life! When the cat's mother died, no one went to its funeral.

When something's temporarily lost, take careful note of the first place you look for it. When you find it, move it there.

Put stuff you want to keep or throw away into a huge salad bowl first, and when you get around to it, move things into a single spot which contains everything of that nature.

Adhesive tape won't get stuck to itself, if you tape a penny on the end.

On the telephone, you don't need to reach someone directly; you can use answering machines for specific suggestions and germane responses without ever reaching them or playing "telephone tag." For instance, "Hi, this is Richard, would you like to get together this Saturday for dinner? If so, I'll come by about seven, and you can choose the place." "Hi. I'm busy Saturday night, how about tomorrow? Can you come by a little earlier, maybe six or six-thirty?" "Hi! See you tomorrow at six, maybe a few minutes late ... depends on traffic ... See you! ... I'm bringing my camera, so ... See you!"

Let's take a little trip. Leave from: It Wasn't Meant to Be. Stopover: Who Needs You? Ultimate Destination: I Don't Even Care Anymore. Looking Back: I'd Hate to Be the Flower He'd Sip From.

If someone steals something from you, it wasn't really yours – No one can steal what's really yours – The first thing they steal is your attention.

When you hate, you can't learn. –David Daniels

Include people around you in your cell phone calls ... to escape from the cage.

If you're out on bail & stay out of trouble, inertia will tend to keep you out of jail; however, if you're on the inside when you go to trial, pre-judgments will probably keep you there.

If you get married a second time, the clerk insists on seeing divorce papers from the earlier experiment.

In a rental unit you can hang pictures with pins when you move in, and fill pinholes with toothpaste when you move out.

Attach a plastic bag to the end of a line, and use an industrial strength vacuum cleaner to help pull the line through a conduit, while you push.

If you see something to do within ten feet of you, just do it! Don't go overboard.

I've been postponing telling you this, because I wanted to see if it was true, but a little dental floss wrapped around a too-short screw, will help hold it in place in a cracked door jamb, until you can buy longer screws. A few wood splinters, or pieces of dowel rod, shoved into the screw holes, work even better.

Eventually, the fat screw holes and cracked door jamb will need to be stuffed with broken wooden match sticks, wood glue, all held together with a flat metal "mending brace" from the hardware store, though that's another story.

Find a nice place to rent (before it goes on the market) by driving around looking for apartments without curtains. (They're being painted.) In a listing, get a rough idea of an apartment's suitability by its zip code.

If a dog doesn't share your common sense of house breaking, keep it in a small pen, and never let it wander around on its own looking for a secret spot.

The best strategy for housebreaking dogs is vigilance and prevention by cordoning off areas, especially when you're not around, as opposed to inattention and punishment, an expression of anger not so good for your mental health. Get angry when you stub your toe on the sidewalk! Hate the sidewalk, while it boils in molten, seething lava. What did a dog ever do, beside lead you into the Heart of Darkness?

"I never had any trouble housebreaking a dog ... get a cat .. the dogs chase it outside." –David Daniels

When you're bar hopping, don't get fancy ... just order Maker's Mark on the rocks ... to protect yourself from bartenders who have no idea what they're doing, and to achieve a certain modicum of consistency.

A raisin from a box of Raisin Bran is the best thing to put in a mouse trap, against the wall, behind the refrigerator.

Before slapping down a moth, slightly crouch, or bend your knees.

Mexican Restaurants rarely tell you you can request black beans and corn tortillas. Otherwise, they'll try to save a few pennies by serving you pinto beans and flour tortillas.

Eye drops mixed with salt from your face will sting your eyes, so wash your face with soap and water before you put an eye dropper up there.

When a shark attacks, poke it in the eye.

For poison ivy, mix up baking soda and white vinegar ... Slap it on!

When your stuff asks, "Why do you own me?" ... because it knows it can't help you make money, or you can replace it in a day, throw it away. Let stores "store all your stuff."

When you buy a house, you really own a loan – The government really owns everything – That's why they call it "Real Estate: Royal Property." Don't sell to the highest bidder – They'll just bug you endlessly over little defects.

When people give you stuff they like, put it in a manilla envelope to file under their name. When a child sells you a lottery ticket, put the ticket in the child's name.

Plan as if you're going to live forever; live as if you're going to die tomorrow.

Don't go into debt; you're better off owning income, not debt. –David Daniels

Memory pulls emotions into the past, though making mistakes in the process of learning & the Imagination of Nature drive us into the future.

Why punish anyone with hatred? It's a waste of energy. People are punishing themselves.

Time, combined with understanding, heals all wounds.

Adversity reveals character; knowledge nurtures character; experience guides character; understanding builds character; humor frees character.

Social emotions like guilt, shame, pride, embarrassment, disgust and lust are based on a uniquely human mirror neuron system found in a part of the brain called the insula ... Humiliation appears to be mapped in the brain by the same mechanisms that encode real physical pain. (–Sandra Blakeslee, "Cells That Read Minds," The New York Times, 2006-1-10)

Social emotions are for kids! There's hope, there's trust, there's compassion, there's companionship, there's encouragement, there's support, there's solace, there's love.

Racism, or contemplations of killing entire races of people, is based on beatings as a child, the resultant self-loathing and efforts to be special, right, important, perfect & good – What a person is is deeper than all that.

Ugliness does not actually exist in the outside physical world. It's really deep tension in one person, and hatred in another. –taxi1010.com

The Intellect absorbs impressions, period. It is silent. The emotions, such as fear, anger, hatred & sorrow, are responding to danger. The instincts are what beat your heart.

(1.) Men navigate by dead reckoning, without noticing much; women navigate by landmarks. (2.) Men listen to solve problems; women listen to validate emotions and share experiences. (3.) Men oxidize alcohol more rapidly than women, who become more quickly intoxicated. (4.) As the temperature rises, men begin to perspire before women, who get hotter, shedding clothes. (5.) Men bury pain with sexual energy and aggression; women bury pain with rules, rationalization and emotional cover-ups. (6.) Men are like goldfish: they just die. Women use fish logic: it swims.

"What do you call it when you sense your knee, and look at another person's knee?" ("Sex." "No! Art.") –David Daniels

Better than turning a sweatshirt or T-shirt with a nice logo inside out on laundry day, is turning it inside out the moment before you throw it into the laundry hamper.

Crushes on people & an intense desire to see them naked, come because God strikes you with toads & lightning bolts . . . which releases pheromones.

One kind of person uses (1.) dead reckoning, (2.) night vision, or (3.) the fingers of their left hand (4.) to find a keyhole in the dark. Another kind of person (5.) leaves the porch lights on.

WHO NEEDS DIRECTIONS? Women party, Men explore! –SuccinctNews.com

Best alarm clock: (1.) Go to bed really early two nights in a row; (2.) Drink lots of water before you go to bed; (3.) Every time you get up to take a leak, drink more water.

Just before you go to sleep pump both arms in the air ten times ... In the morning do the same thing ... makes it easier to stop dreaming & wake up.

If you go to sleep in pain, you wake up in pain, so don't do that ... Don't be hard on yourself.

Don't blame me ... blame my mother ... If I'd been born about half an hour earlier, I'd never be late.

Throw all your daily receipts, or anything you might want to retrieve someday, into a large ceramic umbrella stand. Each year dump the contents into a trash bag, to save another few years.

Keep some things for sentimental reasons as proof someone once liked you – even if, or especially if, they were weird.

The crime rate is inversely proportional to the distribution of cell phones and cameras: "Smile! You're on 911."

This is the Era of the Common Man. Priests, jailers, CEOs, editors, teachers ... Watch out! ... About me.

The only thing I'm ambivalent about is lists: (1.) motor oil: 20W-50 turbo; (2.) my passport expires 21 May 2016, except for actual travel, six months earlier; (3.) blood type: A positive.

When you register to vote, you get on the list for jury duty, and when you serve on a jury, they don't pay your expenses & often give your name and address to perps! It's all an accident, of course. An apparatchik would never do that to you ... Wait! We never elected those guys!

Don't wear a Mickey Mouse wristwatch when you're called in for jury duty. It's very symbolic. And don't wear too much cologne. What else? If you're comfortable with testimony that's been "paid for," then by all means, go!

If everyone realizes they're bad, everyone knows they're wrong, everyone sees they're insignificant, and everyone believes they're as common as dirt and grass, you can negotiate anything. This is why overwrought religious people ... stubborn, angry, critical ... have so much trouble in this fleeting moment.

Christians think they're Jesus; Jews think they're God's Chosen Ones; Hindus think they're Perfect; Muslims think they have Secret Knowledge; Japanese think they're the Emperor; Communists think they're the Postmaster General; Tibetan Monks think they're Slave Masters; and what they all have in common is delusions of grandeur.

Rule of law is ritualized aggression. Everyday practice of law involves negotiating settlements. Foundations of peace are laid by a rational process of mutually-agreed-upon, almost insignificant steps, demonstrating ongoing hope, faith and trust.

Office politics has something to do with power sharing, and it's done with praise, shame, dirty tricks, and withholding information.

You're going about it the wrong way. You're not supposed to go up the ladder. You're supposed to go down the ladder. –David Daniels

People have been around more than seven hundred thousand years. Imagine having a conversation with some of your ancestors.